As common as it is, abortion is still a significant experience for both parties involved – the person having it and their partner. It’s a time when understanding each other becomes more crucial than ever. However, often couples are not equipped with the knowledge and tools needed to navigate their relationship after an abortion. How do you deal with the different emotions? How do you communicate your needs to your partner? What are your aspirations for the future?
In this blog, we will engage with some of these questions and share some tips so that if you are in this situation, you can be better prepared and navigate your relationship smoothly and with love and empathy.
Dealing with emotions
Abortion can bring up a wide range of emotions. Grief might arise from losing a potential future, while you could also feel relieved knowing the decision was right for your current circumstances. Guilt may stem from societal pressures or personal beliefs, and confusion can occur when trying to process these conflicting emotions. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings without judgment and know that there is no “right” way to feel. Both partners need to create a safe space where they can openly share their emotions without fear of criticism or dismissal. Validating each other’s experiences helps in understanding and supporting one another through this experience and strengthening the relationship.
As couples deal with these emotions, they can also integrate certain everyday rituals into their daily lives to enhance their emotional intimacy and strengthen their bonds. This could include spending quality time together, expressing love and appreciation for each other, and even doing mundane activities like watching movies, exercising together, or having a morning coffee routine. Consistent practices like these help foster a deeper connection and mutual support.
Communication
Honest and compassionate communication, carried out in a safe space without judgment, is essential for partners after an abortion. To initiate these conversations, here are some simple tips:
- Find a quiet, private setting where you both feel comfortable and won’t be interrupted. Avoid bringing up abortion during moments of stress or distraction as it is a sensitive topic for many and can evoke a variety of strong emotions.
- Express your feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I feel sad when I think about my abortion,” rather than, “You made me feel sad.”
- Allow your partner to share their thoughts and feelings at their own pace. They might feel different at different times, depending on triggers such as a stigmatizing conversation with a conservative relative, a moralizing religious speech, or a song about freedom and dreams. Listen actively without interrupting, and show empathy by acknowledging their emotions.
- Make it a habit to check in with each other regularly. Ask how your partner is doing physically after the procedure or what dominant thoughts are playing on his/her mind at that very moment. Share your own feelings – how has this decision affected your daily routine or what is it that you need to best help your partner? This ongoing dialogue helps ensure that both of you feel supported and understood.
- If something your partner says is unclear, ask for clarification, gently. As a polarizing topic in many societies, abortion discussions can entail stigmatizing vocabulary and deeply entrenched myths. It is better to clarify with your partner than assume what they mean. This shows that you care about truly understanding their perspective.
Personal space
While coming together and talking things through is essential, it is equally important to give each other time and space to process emotions independently. Each partner may experience a range of emotions at a different pace. Respecting each other’s space means allowing time for personal reflection and understanding without pressure to conform to a specific timeline or emotional state. This individual processing is crucial as it enables each person to come to terms with their feelings in a healthy and meaningful way. When both partners have this opportunity, they can bring a clearer and more balanced perspective back to the relationship. This fosters a sense of self-awareness and emotional maturity that is essential for strengthening their bond. In the long run, respecting each other’s space promotes a foundation of mutual understanding and empathy and enhances the overall health and resilience of the relationship.
Relationship values
Experiences like these are also a good time to revisit the core values, morals, and strengths of your relationship. Whether it’s trust or honesty, privacy or reproductive justice, bodily integrity or autonomy – revisiting these principles reminds you of the solid foundation your relationship is built on and who you are as a person outside of this relationship. At the same time, acknowledge and celebrate the strengths that have helped your relationship thrive so far. Recognizing qualities like resilience, supportiveness, and teamwork boosts your confidence in each other and your partnership. Take this exercise one step further and discuss your future goals and aspirations as a couple. Setting shared goals, whether related to personal growth, career ambitions, or travel plans, creates a sense of purpose and direction.
Family planning
When talking about the future, a discussion about family planning is crucial. This will help you set expectations and make joint decisions about important topics. For example, clearly express your hopes and expectations regarding family planning, specifically, future pregnancies and whether you want to adopt or remain child-free. Similarly, explore and agree on contraception methods that best suit your needs as a couple. Remember, contraception is not solely a woman’s responsibility, and it should be a shared conversation in every relationship. Understanding the options available and choosing the right one together is the first step to a healthy sex life. By engaging in such open and honest discussions about future family planning, couples can ensure that they are on the same page, reducing misunderstandings and strengthening their partnerships.
Professional help
When navigating tough moments, it is always useful to recruit professional help. Counseling or therapy can be incredibly beneficial for couples post-abortion as professional guidance offers a safe and structured environment to process complex emotions. Therapists are trained to help individuals and couples understand and manage their feelings. They can provide coping strategies, facilitate open communication, and offer unbiased support. Counseling sessions allow both partners to express their thoughts and feelings freely, helping them work through any emotional barriers they might be facing.
Help and support
If you or your partner have recently had an abortion and are looking for support, we hope this blog can provide you with some guidance. If you have more questions or if you need information about abortion itself, feel free to get in touch with us at info@safe2choose.org.
We at safe2choose are part of a global movement advocating for reproductive health and access to safe abortion for everyone. We operate as an online counseling and informational platform, providing support to those seeking medical or surgical abortions. When needed, we also refer people to trusted, trained, and pro-choice health-care providers.